Think before you speak



I would like to start with a story. A story that conveys feeling and invokes emotion. A story that the reader can relate to, or at least empathize with. I want the reader to know in some part the feeling I get when I hear the saying “that’s so gay”. I feel empty when I hear it, I feel as if I am somehow defective, inferior, less than. I want them to feel some fraction of what it’s like to be me. The struggles I have faced, the hardships I have overcome, and the hardships I couldn’t handle. I want them to be able to peek into my mind, walk in my shoes for a time, and be able to feel what I feel. This story needs to capture them somehow. I want those that know what they are saying to rethink it, and those that don’t realize to realize. This matters to me a great deal. I know I have been changed due to these words and sayings. My life has been altered as a result. I want to change peoples minds. Can I change peoples minds? Can I help someone that feels the same way? Yes I believe I can, and that it does matter. If you have ever felt discriminated against or felt uncomfortable hearing the saying “That’s so gay”, you should know your not alone. The negative intonation and widespread acceptance in today’s lexicon is offensive and ignorant.
I think to myself, would it matter to me if I wasn’t gay? There are so many things in this world to worry about, do I need to worry about this? Do I care about other social injustices? Am I being selfish because this directly effects me? I remember a saying a wise person told me once. “Clean up yourself, then you can clean up your community, then you can clean up the world”. I realize this may be me cleaning up myself, preparing me to help others by first helping myself. I ask myself “How is this cleaning up yourself?” I have lived so long under the fear of just those words and similar phrases. By telling someone, I am freeing myself of their constraints. Just writing this down is cathartic. I also care about others, yet if I’m not healthy then I am of no use to anyone else. I know this I live this I am this.
My development has been stunted due to my sexuality. Let me tell you why. I was a very happy child before school. I can remember being full of life and content, I wasn’t scared. Things interested me. I have 2 loving parents, an older brother, and a younger sister. Life was good. We had a farm with a huge pond to swim in, and awesome tree houses to play in. I felt loved and accepted, I was me. I was different from other boys my age, and I knew it. This fact didnt bother me then. I was ok with it. I liked to play with dolls, I liked to play house. I was drawn to shiny pretty things. My parents made sure I had these things, they bought dolls and let me play house.
We lived in the country, so my exposure to other children was very limited. I had my siblings to play with. They were used to me and my want to play with dolls and dress up in my mothers clothes to play house. If they thought it was strange they never said so. I loved them for it and still do.
It came time for me to go to school. I was so excited. I waited at the end of our driveway with my older brother. I saw a bright shiny yellow bus coming and was so happy to be getting on it, I was carrying a doll.
I remember the smell of the bus, the green vinyl seats, the many faces peering at me as I got on. I sat next to my brother the bus took off.
It was then the world turned dark. From the back of the bus came an unknown voice asking my brother if I was a sissy, a “gaywad”, a freak?.
The light went out. My ideals of myself and others was changed forever. Life became a daily battle against myself and others. I was reminded everyday by other children that I did not belong and would not as long as I was me, and acted the way I did. I remember very few happy days in school after that, and am still effected by it today.
I hear the term “that’s so gay” almost on a daily basis. It tears me from my “immediate” back to those dark days. I have built defense mechanisms to combat what I feel when I hear that saying. Some good some bad, most of them unhealthy. Where has this term come from and why is it so accepted and used in today’s conversations?
I believe it comes from ignorance, people shunning things they don’t understand or believe in. Acceptance of this term has rooted like a weed, and will be very hard to remove. The ill effects of statements such as “that’s so gay” are proven in me. I know I was destined for more, yet stunted by social inequities. I could have been anything. Instead I turned to self loathing, and drug use to dull the pain. Creating a chain of events that caused the tax payers of this state to pay for me to get better. Many of these taxpayers have probably used this term, not realizing they will be paying for it out of their own pockets. Can changing the way we say things really change the world? I believe it can. Can tolerance, acceptance, and a sense of others benefit all? Absolutely. Think before you speak.